(Above: This photo idea was borrowed from a friend, Miss Rachael Ramirez of Blueberry Baby Photography and the idea was not my own. Great idea though right?)
I just had to snag this photo before taking down my tree. I love this picture even though my butt looks as pregnant as my belly. (LOL) Seriously though, this pregnancy has been just like when I was pregnant with my boys, although the varicose and spider veins have crept up on me as I push 30 soon. I don’t know if it will be a boy or a girl, but with 2 of each I can’t wait to be surprised.
I’ve been a bit apprehensive this pregnancy and after borrowing Hypnobirthing from the library for a third time, I’ve finally started reading it and already in the first 20 minutes of reading, I feel calmer about delivering at home again. I don’t know if any mom is ever really ready for delivery. I have never been. In fact, I romanticized my first home birth to a point where I wasn’t as prepared as I would have liked to be and want to change that this time around.
I was afraid when I felt the real surges of labor, and have learned so much in between my rainbow baby from April 2016 to now. Every day I feel a little more prepared and a little more scared…doesn’t make sense right? Well, I can make peace with the birthing process all I want but there’s more to having a new baby than that. There is all that comes after. One more baby to divide my attention from the other four kids.
Some days I can’t stand my oldest three, and sometimes I miss them being small. Sometimes they amaze me with their kindness and love and sometimes they make me appalled at their behavior. Sometimes I can’t wait for a break when they go to their dad’s house and sometimes I long for them to be with me. Being a parent is a catch 22 and one more baby adds to the chaos and beauty of motherhood.
I’m scared of failure and my own flaws and the future I can’t control. BUT, even amidst my fears, I always have my family and friends to reassure me, and the doubts pass and the fear subsides like a summer storm. Something always happens to remind me how lucky and blessed I am to be where I am in my life. My friends come through for me and my family has a moment that is just the remedy. Fear isn’t my enemy, it’s a red flag to readjust and I just keep on readjusting. And my family adjusts with me and all my fears always end up being dust in the wind because LIFE is good. I have to remember that it’s not just another baby, it’s another person to surprise me and love and add joy to this life God blessed me with.