As rainbow baby’s birthday gets closer, I can’t believe it’s been a whole year. It seems like just last month we were waiting for her to be born. I was consumed by fear after our miscarriage that she would never make it earth side.
I had so many worries about life after baby. Would this new baby make Rob and I a separate family from my kids? Would Rob feel differently about my kids after? Would rainbow baby make it through the first year? Would I love her differently than my other kids? The answer is yes!
Now, a year later, it seems silly to have worried that rainbow baby would do anything except make life better. I’ve reflected a lot about being a mother over the last year and have begun to see the past more clearly.
I’ve enjoyed the past year more than I can remember when my other 3 were babies and sometimes that makes me sad. Every frustration and milestone with Yvette was shared with a loving and involved husband and three kids who ADORE their little sister. I never felt alone or experienced any of the postpartum depression the way I did before.
I’m elated as I write this, snoring baby suckling my breast with her free hand down my shirt. Clarity begins to peak through like the morning sun in my window. I can’t change the past but I’ve learned from it; and while I feel some regret that it wasn’t the same blissful experience, (sans current mom overload moments) I know that those little babies, now 5, 7, and 8 were loved just as deeply.
Being divorced and then remarried changes the dynamic of family relationships and so many people know what I mean. There’s this intricate dance of moms and dads and step parents, discipline and extracurricular activities, school and Life. Living in a blended family, I feel like my feet are in two worlds and I’m constantly reconciling one with the other and that’s not always easy. There are a lot of things about life that I wish I could change, but in moments like this, when a little baby is snuggled up close, I choose to be grateful to have taken the road that led me here.
What a blessed and happy life it is!